i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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