you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
