I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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