I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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