zippers are such a cool invention
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Pooping to opera.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
