I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
