Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Someone shattered a urinal.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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