so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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