Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
