I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
