Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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