Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
