How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
