I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wish life had little blips of pornography
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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