dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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