just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
