sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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