I heard we made out
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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