Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
