I should be sponsored by Trojan
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
