it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
