how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
