You smell like a Billy Joel song
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
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