don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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