so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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