all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
