i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
