I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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