Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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