thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
