Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
