..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
