She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
