no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
