I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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