Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
