I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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