you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
