I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
