I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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