My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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