she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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