textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
