my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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