mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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