I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
