an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just had sex on a roof
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
