Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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