for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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