I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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