What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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