I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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