your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
