So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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