drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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