Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
please come you make the beer taste better
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
