i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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