i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize