No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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