he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
