I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
