woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
