final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Randomize
