I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you had me at cake vodka
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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