I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
