Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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