Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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