I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
