Don't you send me to vm
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
did i just pee glitter
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
