I looked at my own cervix.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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